The Queen Of 'Tweens

Pop, ding-a-ling

She’s the Queen of ‘Tweens


Well, she’s a goody, a goody queen

Made of sugar and spice, and nothing mean

Chocolate melts in her mouth, not in her hand

She always wins, yeah, at Candyland


Pop, ding-a-ling

She’s the Queen of ‘Tweens


Well, she and her friends rule the world

Everybody, you know, loves a ‘tween girl

Daddy’s lil’ princess, she spends the money

She do control the purse strings, honey


Pop, ding-a-ling

She’s the Queen of ‘Tweens


She’s a real queen, the Queen of ‘Tweens

Bomp, bomp

She’s a real queen, the Queen of ‘Tweens

Bomp, bomp

She’s a real queen, the Queen of ‘Tweens

And she’s a pre-pre-teen!

Bomp, bomp

Bomp, bomp


Pop, ding-a-ling

She’s the Queen of ‘Tweens

Arm Your Children Well

Where’s Crosby, Stills, Nash &Young when you need them???

“The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” -- Wayne LaPierre

Arm your children well

Don’t let ‘em leave the house day or night

Without knowing their second amendment rights

When Elmer Fudd hunts ‘em down

Teach ‘em to stand their ground

Give those hunters a lil’ taste of Hell


And know they’ll love you


Arm your children for real

‘Shoot first or be shot’ is the cry

In case they want to know why

A box of Skittles

Won’t solve life’s riddles

The answer is cold hard steel


And know they’ll love you


Arm your children well

Give those hunters a lil’ taste of Hell

Arm your children for real

The answer is cold hard steel


And know they’ll love you

(If they don’t shoot you)

 

A Bouquet Of Red Panties

Giving new meaning to “Dead Man’s Curve…” :p

I was cruising in my Stingray late one night

All anybody could see were my six tail-lights

When a girl waved me down and handed to me

A bouquet of red panties


Daddy used to say:

A bouquet of red panties

It’s no place to play

A bouquet of red panties

Best to keep away

A bouquet of red panties

WON’T SURVIVE THOSE RED PANTIES!


I gunned my Stingray and took her home for the night

Looking forward, you know, to some raunchy delight

She had me begging on my knees

A bouquet of red panties


Daddy always said:

A bouquet of red panties

It’s no place to play

A bouquet of red panties

Best to keep away

A bouquet of red panties

WON’T SURVIVE THOSE RED PANTIES!


Well, the last thing I remember, doc, I fell back on the bed

Red panties flew at my head

I guess I know now what it’s like to be dead

DIDN’T SURVIVE THOSE RED PANTIES!


I guess Daddy was right:

A bouquet of red panties

It’s no place to play

A bouquet of red panties

Best to keep away

A bouquet of red panties

WON’T SURVIVE THOSE RED PANTIES!

 

It's A Happy Day!

Never thought I’d see it

Never thought it’d be here

Never thought it’d come my way

It’s a happy day!


A Happy Day happened ‘cause you look so good

You were made for lovin,’ you knew you would

A Happy Day happened ‘cause you can’t resist

You can’t resist a sight like this


These

These

These

These

These are the days

These are the Happy Days

‘Cause I’m still alive


I’m just sitting by the pool singing my song

When a girl walks by wearing a thong

Ah, I love life!

Ah, ah, I, I love life!!

 

I Ain't Seen No Light

This is my answer to Hank William’s “I Saw The Light.” Yes, I realize the rhyme scheme changes from William’s optimism to my more cynical view. You are in the presence of genius, my friend. How does it feel? ;p

O, I know that life is supposed to be fine

If only I, I let sweet Jesus in

Soon, we’ll be basking in the sunshine

I’ll be walking hand-in-hand with Him


Like the beggar with his lantern piercing the night

Jesus is supposed to come and restore my sight

He’ll make the dark corners of life shine bright

But, Damn God, I ain’t seen no light


I ain’t seen no light

I ain’t seen no light

Damn God, I ain’t seen no light


Butter beans and corn, snaps and iced tea

Fried chicken and biscuits, creamed potatoes for me

Hiding from Jehovah’s Witnesses, and then I wonder why

Jesus never comes to shine His light


Like the beggar with his lantern piercing the night

Jesus is supposed to come and restore my sight

He’ll make the dark corners of life shine bright

But, Damn God, I ain’t seen no light


I ain’t seen no light

I ain’t seen no light

Damn God, I ain’t seen no light

P.S.: Every good Southerner knows that “why” and “light” rhyme.

A Different Path

Your life has just begun.

You’ve chosen a different path, a path that will be hard

(a path that will be more difficult than what was hoped for you).

But that’s OK.

It is up to you, it‘s all in your hands now.


Perhaps a child will give you direction and purpose, a new maturity.


There will be milestones along the way.


You will teach your child to walk and talk

(and spend years saying “sit down” and “shut up”).

There will be Halloweens, pictures with Santa and off to Kindergarten.

You will teach your child to ride a bicycle.

You will teach your child to drive a car.


You will pass down the hard lessons you’ve learned in life:

Avoid alcohol, cigarettes and other mood-altering stuff

(reality is hard enough to deal with on a real basis).

Stay focused in school.


Watch your child graduate high school with honors

(and move on to college, say, N.C. State, to get a real education).

Watch your child get a job and then get married and then have children.


At age 50, you can starting spoiling your grandchildren

(and know that you did good).

P.S.: It’s called “free verse,” you nimrod.

The Queen Of Porn

I got in last night at half-past ten

My e-box said I had something in

So I checked to see what it was

I smiled, it was from a good friend


So, I opened to see what it was about

My jaw did drop, my tongue rolled out

Pictures of naked women, yes, naughty naked women

One after another, letting it all hang out


What it was, was Porn

Naughty naked Porn

How could she send that to me?

When I think of her now, she’ll always be…


THE QUEEN OF PORN


She’ll always be…


THE QUEEN OF PORN